Monday, July 23, 2012

More Instructions

Presuming you read Samuel Morse's Lost Code...

[all 5 parts]

You may now proceed...


1. If you are from Basel, Switzerland, raise your hand. 
2. If you are from Mountain View, thanks for following my blog. 
3. If you are from Canada, quit stealing my stuff. No, just kidding, please share! Consider promoting my blog to the people you didn't pass off my good ideas as your own. 
4. If you took offense to number 3, remember this is supposed to be a humorous blog, so chill out, turn on Jimmy Buffett, pass me a beer, and set sail for Tahiti - friends and family welcome! 
5. Hear that folks? All my followers... yeah, you... we've been invited sailing. Pack your fowlies and bathing suits, we're going to Tahiti! 

Now that I've got your attention, did I ever tell you that I used to teach Junior Sailing? My favorite exercise was teaching my knuckleheads how to capsize their laser. 

If anyone with some serious money in my audience would like to invite me on their vessel, know that I crank a mean jib!

I can prove my boating experience goes way back. In terms of sailing references, my mom has pictures of me as a little kid on the boat - of course we were water maggots, so we had powerboats, which if I weren't being totally snooty I'd admit are a hell of a lot of fun to play with on Lake Tahoe.

Nothing beats those summer days out on the boat... 

If I weren't landlocked, I'd stay on a boat forever.

If I had more sense, I would have utilized the unbelievably large amount of financial resources I had at my disposal to buy myself that beauty... 

Without her, I'll never live in complete harmony. 

Oh Whoops! I was supposed to be providing you with instructions. The first question I'd have to ask you is why you'd bother clicking on a link titled More Instructions - doesn't that indicate that you're willing to accept said instructions from someone else? What does that tell you about yourself?   

1. You, like me, would jump off a bridge with your friend (just because it looked fun). 

2. If you were like me, you probably wouldn't be reading this blog. 

2. If you're following this blog and/or mildly interested in what I write, you know that I've been holding WAY back this whole time... tiptoeing all over the place in the name of humor just to entertain myself... 

3. Obviously, I can't count. 

4. If you like my writing, your brain is just as warped as mine. We would probably get along. 

5. Now I've got the hang of this numbering thing. 

6. Now, what was I saying? 

7. Oh yes, the instructions. 


1. Relax more.

2. Quit thinking. 

3. Let yourself laugh more often. 

4. Try making other people laugh. 

5. That was fun, right? 

6. Assume that everyone is telling the truth. 

7. Be surprised IF they don't. 

8. Cut yourself a break. 

9. Cut others a break while you're at it. 

10. If you're not happy to be alive, ask yourself what would make you happey (I love to spell the word happy with an "e".. it's so much HAPPIER!) and then WTF, go for it! 

Happie, happy, happey! 

11. I secretly think cursing is funny, but I cannot curse given the inappropriateness of it as well as the negative energie associated with it. 

12. Negativity makes me laugh... though the feeling is awful, not to mention being totally wrong if it is at the expense of another person, but when it makes fun of people's stupidity who don't get insulted by their stupidity being joked about, everyone can have a welcomed laugh, which is where the relief theory of humor really makes sense - in a good way, not in the freaky, Freudian way... by the way, did I ever mention to you that Freud irks me! I don't like him. Whoever he is in this lifetime, I still don't like him. I think he's a creep and a weirdo. Who cares if he was educated. He was a creepy, educated weirdo.

Fenyman, on the other hand, he was AWESOME!!!

No wonder I love quantum theory! 

Physicists are very cool. I like how their brains process thought, well, not all of them. Sometimes I just like what they're thinking about and the mere fact that their thinking about those subjects - by association - makes me like how they think. 



This is my sense of humor. Random, natural, and as it comes to me...

This was all written in one setting. 

I write fast. 

I think way faster than I write. 

But that's a story for another day. 

Today, is a summer day. 

It's a perfect day for rambling about everything under the sun. 

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