Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Religion and Humor

Hurry! Act now! Then, each month, you'll receive a new set of Commandments. 
Cancel anytime and keep the first set, absolutely free. 

God went to the Taliban and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better." 

     The Taliban asked, "What are Commandments?"

And the Lord said, "They are rules for living." 

     "Can you give us an example?" 

"Thou shall not kill." 

     "Not kill? We're not interested." 

So, God went to a group of lawyers and said, "I have Commandments." 

The lawyers wanted an example, and the Lord said, 

"Do not lie." 

     "We're not interested." 

Then, God went to the politicians and said, "I have Commandments." 

The politicians also wanted an example, and the Lord said, 

"Thou shall not steal or lie." 

     "We're definitely not interested."

Frustrated, God goes to the French and said, "I have Commandments." 

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 
"Thou shall not commit adultery." 

     "We believe in Liberté, Equalité, Fraternité (Liberty, Equality, Fraternity) of the the bon vivant! We are certainly not interested." 

Finally, God goes to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments." 

     "How much do they cost?" 
"They're free," replies God. 

     "We'll take 10." 

My grandmother used to say, "Put an atheist or an agnostic on a sinking submarine and watch him convert." 

The funny thing about that comment is that even atheists laugh. Whether your God is nonexistent, the God of the Exodus, Allah, or something akin to The Force in the movie Star Wars, there seems to be as many laughs about religion as there are about death. Perhaps, that's why there's so many jokes about dying combined with going to heaven.

My grandfather, on the other hand, had his own brand of humor:

A black carpenter, a white carpenter, and a Jewish carpenter die and go to heaven, only St. Peter says that the Pearly Gates are broken. In order to enter, they must fix them, so St. Peter asks each of them for a bid. 

The black guy says, $300: $100 for parts, $100 labor, and $100 profit for me. 

"Okay," says St. Peter. "That sounds fair." 

The white guy says, $600: $200 for parts, $200 for labor, and $200 profit for me. I use better materials; I have a degree in mechanical engineering, and as such, deserve more profit for my skills and proficiency.

"That makes perfect sense," replies Peter. 

Finally, St. Peter asks the Jewish guy, who replies, "$900: $300 profit for you, $300 profit for me, and we'll get the black guy to do it." 

Some jokes, however, are more subtle and reflective of our human perceptions on religion, who's right and who's wrong. When we can't agree, we simply recognize our differences, even though we may not recognize each other: 

Jews don't recognize Jesus. 
Protestants don't recognize the Pope. 
Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store. 
Creationists don't recognize the apes who are following him.

Before I risk insulting anyone else with religion jokes, I thought I'd end with one for all the ladies reading the blog:

"When God finished creating Adam, he stood back, took one look, and said, "I can do better than that."

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