Friday, June 24, 2011

Doomsday and Humor

How to be a Doomsday Prophet in 10 Easy Steps: 

1.  If you're considering a career as a Doomsday Prophet avoid prophesies that include specific dates, just go with the bible verse, "No one knows the day or the hour..." Matthew 2:4:36. 

2. Be sure to be up-to-date with your prophesy techniques and theories. Study what kind of conspiracy has the most targeted recipients and go with that (e.g., status update loops actually create microscopic digital-black holes, which will soon join together and DESTROY THE INTERNET... Act now! Order GURU-NORTON and stop those update terrorists quickly or you may experience a bout of utter stupidity). 

3. Explain that you have received your message from an enlightened state, that you see behind all the media lies, false leads, and subterfuge. Explain in detail how your sacrifice and dedicated search toward enlightenment freed you from all worldly entanglements so while you're not worried about the world ending, those who are slacking off on the spiritual quest better book their flights to India to visit you at your Ashram. 

4. When people doubt that the world is going to end, simply quote Lao Tzu. 

5. Pepper your group discussions with Visual Storytelling words such as: clarity, realism, dynamic, continuity, intuitive... 

6. While not recommended in the presence of followers, it's okay, when hanging out with other gurus, to quietly admit that you're bored out of your empty mind...

7. Keep focused. Your place is the great spiritual-ontological world, don't comment on social problems, economics, politics, or computer programming unless it's metaphysically-inspired economics or divine intervention politics, or computer programming with higher intelligence beings. 

8. Remember, no matter what anyone says, remind them that "everything must change..." 

9. Remember to end all your discussions with a pithy quote: Don't take life too seriously, it isn't permanent. 

10. Tweet your way to an exalted Twittersphere high with a plausibly fantastic ending ... 

It takes a mighty computer literate guru to design a Doomsday app!

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