Today, I'm coping. So, I thought I'd share a few of my favorite jokes. I have nearly 1,000 jokes compiled, which I'm categorizing for when I accidentally encounter negativity traveling along life's highways. So, without further ado...
Did you hear about the woman who walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre?
The barman gave her one.
Teachers call it cheating;
We call it teamwork!
Nostalgia ain't what it used to be...
Right now, I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time;
I think I've forgotten this before...
What are three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
"Hold my purse"
Eternity is right now;
Buy this book today.
Anyone who believes the competitive spirit in America is dead
Has never been in a supermarket when the cashier opens another checkout line.
Pick something you can tolerate from this list of side effects,
And I'll prescribe something appropriate.
Why should I explain in layman's terms,
Something that you will never understand?
The receptionist at the urologist office picked up the phone and announced,
"Urology. Can you please hold?"
Tell you what... I'll explain the birds and bees to you,
If you explain tweeting to me.
Life's too short to drink the house wine.
One thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are good drivers.
The opposite of talking isn't listening.
The opposite of talking is waiting.
The plumber fixes a leak in a doctor's house - then bills him for $1,000.
"This is ridiculous!" the doctor says. "I don't even bill that much."
The plumber says, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
I carry two books with me everywhere I go - The Bible & Darwin's Origin of Species.
I'm trying to figure out if I'm my brother's keeper - or his keeper's brother.
New kindergarten punishment...
115 - I wll nt txt n clss
116 - I wll nt txt n clss
117 - I wll nt txt n class
118 - I wll nt txt n class...
Mom's voice mail:
"If you need to be picked up from soccer practice, Press 1"
"If you are bleeding, Press 2"
"If you need me to need money, hang up and call dad"
"For sale," read the ad in our hospital's weekly newsletter, "sleeveless wedding gown, white, size 6, veil included. Worn once, by mistake."
I graduated at the top of my class, then earned a PhD in philosophy, which hasn't carried much weight with my family. My mom introduces me by saying, "This is my daughter. She's a doctor, but not the kind who helps people."
A sign in the vegetables department at Whole Foods said:
"Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!"
Technical support said, "Okay, now log in using the password 123456."
"Is that all in caps?"
I once had a boss tell me, "Don't dress for the job you have; dress for the job you want."
I showed up the next day in a Cubs uniform.
How do you make your computer your best friend?
Buy it a bunch of software and get it loaded.