Monday, June 13, 2011

My 1st Stand-up Comedy Routine

Hello, New Jersey.  
The crowd goes silent. 
Um, ahem. I meant, New England. 
You'll have to bear with me a moment, I'm not really a comic, I'm a scholar studying the philosophy of humor. Before I get started, I'd like to sit my clock next to me here so I can see exactly how long it takes for me to bomb-out on stage. 

I'd also like for someone to take my fountain pen and notate the following faux pas'... 
1. Bad timing; 
2. Poorly planned spontaneity; 
3. Number of coughing attacks while pretending to know how to smoke while trying to play it cool. 

Hey you, I thought I should mention that my fountain pen leaks. I misread the website, I thought it said Waterman, when instead it read, Walmartmen. 

That brings me to #4: Bad jokes. 
Please write that one down. 

. . . . . . 

 I've never been very good at *taradiddling, but here it goes: 

The other day while out shopping, I ran into two (1)slobberknockers. The first slobberknocker was wearing a (2)bauble, which put all my (3)gubbins to shame. Feeling insulted by the first slobberknocker's bauble, the other slobberknocker started (4)jactating

Before I knew it, a full-fledged (5) donnybrook erupted. I thought it was all (6)hogwash, until the second slobberknocker scratched his (7)glabella right in front of the first slobberknocker. Whew, wee! The first slobberknocker saw this and in his (8)batrachomyomachy alerted other onlookers with his (9)billingsgate. Somehow, in the midst of all this, the second slobberknocker pulled out a (10)snickersnee, (11)"Bloviate on this!" He shouted. 

With great ease and the skillful art of using one's razor-sharp tongue to gore a grumbling grammarian, the first slobberknocker pointed his (12)phalange right in the second slobberknocker's nose and said, "You've gotten yourself into a bit of a (13)hodge-podge here. I (14)beseech you to get your (15)gewgaw self out of here before I give you a case of the (16)Yips

A sudden sense of the (17)collywobbles overtook me as a (18)flink of female shoppers appeared to be (19)ensorcelled by the whole (20)biff. Before long, a (21)scuttlebutt broke out. The first slobberknocker hit the second slobberknocker on the back of his (22)occiput with a long (23)xiphoid. "You can (24)osculate yourself goodbye!" He exclaimed, before slipping on a banana peel and landing on his (25)tookus

"Look," calmly explained the second slobberknocker. Next time you (26)reintarnate, don't (27)bumfuzzle yourself with the details, (28)redumbantly (29)gallivanting about. While your (30)gobbledygook is (31)lugurbrious, and your (32)sardoodledom is (33)funfundfunfzig, you've ruined my (34)skullet with your (35)folderol. You better (36)absquatulate before I (37)foofaraw all this into a stand-up comedy routine. 

Oh Briskets! 
I forgot to hand out the vocab list. 

The Post-Comedy Fallacy: To assume that "A" (vocab list) will result in "B" (laughter), especially when forgetting to distribute said list ahead of time, resulting in "C" (silence)...

*Taradiddle: A small or white lie; a fib. 
1. Slobberknocker: A fierce and violent fight amongst two people, or a number of participants that eventually turns into a full-fledged donnybrook. 
2. Bauble: A small, showy ornament of little value. 
3. Gubbins: Objects of little or no value, odds and ends. 
4. Jactation: To restlessly move and roll around.
5. Donnybrook: A scene of uproar and disorder; a heated argument. 
6. Hogwash: Means ridiculous. 
7. Glabella: The space between your eyebrows, just above your nose. 
8. Batrachomyomachy: Making a mountain out of a molehill. 
9. Billingsgate: Loud, raucous profanity. 
10. Snickersnee: A long knife. 
11. Bloviate: To speak pompously or brag. 
12. Phalange: Finger bone. 
13. Hodge-Podge: If a planned event goes terribly wrong in the sense that it gets crazy, you've got yourself a hodge-podge. 
14. Beseech: Ask someone urgently and fervently to do something. 
15. Gewgaw: A useless or worthless thing. 
16. Yips: Former professional golfer, Tommy Armour, is credited with inventing the term yips to describe a combination of psychological and neuromuscular factors that forced his early retirement from competitive golf. Also, in 2007, the "Yips" were a major part of the plot line of an episode of How I Met Your Mother. The episode was titled "The Yips," and uses the yips as a metaphor for the character Barney's sudden difficulties in hitting on women. 
17. Collywobbles: Intense anxiety or nervousness accompanied by stomach issues.
18. Flink: A group of twelve or more cows. 
19. Ensorcell: To enchant or fascinate. 
20. Biff: Often heard/read in comic book fight scenes. 
21. Scuttlebutt: A nautical term meaning rumor or gossip. 
22. Occiput: It's a word for the back of the skull. 
23. Xiphoid: Shaped like a sword. 
24. Osculate: Another one of those words that makes high school kids giggle. 
25. Tookus: Another word for hiney, bum, or tushey. 
26. Reintarnate: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 
27. Bumfuzzle: To confuse or fluster. 
28. Redumbdancy: Repeating the same dumb thing over and over. 
29. Gallivant: To travel or roam about for pleasure, with no inherent meaning or specific purpose ;)
30. Gobbledygook: Language that is meaningless or is made unintelligible by excessive use of abstruse technical terms; nonsense.
31. Lugubrious: It means sad, but ironically the word makes people laugh. 
32. Sardoodledom: Another word for "staginess" or "melodrama".
33. Funfundfunfzip: German. Pronounced Foonf-oond-foonf-zig. No idea what this means, but it always make me laugh. 
34. Skullet: This is a man who formerly wore a mullet who is now aging and losing hair on top. His hair is still long it the back, but now it's pulled back over the top of his head. 
35. Foderol: Trifle or nonsense. 
36. Absquatulate: To depart in a hurry; to die; to abscond. (e.g., We must absquatulate before the Wicked Witch returns.) 
37. Foofaraw: To make a big deal out of something of little importance.
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