Sunday, June 19, 2011

Gurus and Humor

 

The only thing that keeps you from becoming a guru is you! 

So...you want to be a guru? Well, the first thing you'll have to do is switch from coffee to tea. Both are filled with caffeine, but crushed leaves are much more spiritual than seeds.


Sound reasoning is the cornerstone of being a guru. Common sense is a source of enduring fascination, and has been studied for at least two-and-a-half millennia. Just be sure to refrain from using an expression such as, "We are born equal," as it may carry an implication that we do not remain this way. 

A flair for extemporizing comes in handy and an ability to explain the unexplainable is beneficial when working with others. You can also suggest that your students liberate themselves from paying some of their debts. The negative ones in particular, while they may be asking for it, should be zeroed out and forgiven. This looks particularly good on someone's spiritual bottom line. 

The practical guru diffuses arguments before they have an opportunity to take root in the psyche. Be sure to light plenty of incents, this aromatic biotic material creates a mood for helping people chill out. It also can be used to mask strong odors. You guru's know what I'm talking about!

Limit your predictions. Go for two-out-of-three, otherwise it appears more magical than psychic. Also, limit your diversity. This goes back to the basic concept of keeping it simple. Buddhism, Taoism, Zen, Indian Ayurveda. You're probably well-versed in many wisdom writings, just choose the one you have a matching outfit for and you'll increase the magnitude of your energie and healing powers. 

While magic tricks are always a welcome addition to your guru bag of tricks, use them sparingly or you'll run out of perfectly good spoons. 


Get expert advice before starting a retreat in Iran or South Africa. Some governments consider psychic mentalism against their principles. Witch hunts still take place in some parts of South Africa. Be mindful of your marketing messages!



Affirm the consequent. It's an occupational hazard if you cannot communicate this clearly in your message. Go back to the basics on this one. In an "if...then" construction, the "if" part is the antecedent, and the "then" part is the consequent. It is all right to affirm the antecedent in order to prove the consequent, but not visa versa. 

If I drop an egg, it breaks. I dropped the egg, so it broke. (A perfectly valid argument called the modus ponens). 

If I drop an egg, it breaks. This egg is broken, so I must have dropped it. (This could be a fallacy and jeopardize your credibility as other incidents could have led to the egg being broken, including someone sitting on it, or it having being broken from the chicken that emerged from it.)

Remind your students that you do not believe in just one chicken or one rooster. We are many chickens. Crossing the road to enlightenment is part of the journey. Cluck loudly! 

Simply break the shell, emerge, and summon the necessary energy to produce the intention to cross the space-time road. Watch for oncoming traffic. Chickens who are afraid to cross the road are welcome to fast and prepare themselves through proper incantations. 




There are many opinions about the nature of enlightenment. Keep your message simple. Take a stick and write out your message in the sand, just be sure to clean up after yourself when your done. For giggles, you can forget the START and FINISH labels in your message, as shown below:



Since we're all in a state of perpetual becoming and unbecoming, this serves a dual purpose. Plus, it's pretty fun to watch people run around looking for the exit! 
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