Thursday, January 5, 2012

Vita Alto's Political Survival Advice for Mitt Romney

Politics can be a bit... unpredictable, contradictory, and downright conspiratorial. Despite your motives going in, Chairman Mao's land of the "war without bloodshed" is nothing like the Call of Duty or Halo Reach. In this world, you only get one life, and what's more, nothing can prepare you for how "real" this SIMS game is going to feel. 

Vita Alto is a Sim (The Sims 3) in Sunset Valley. As a local representative in the political career track, she starts out with 5 charisma skill points and 2 writing skill points. Beware, her evilness shows. This lady lives the high life and knows well the Game of Thorns to successfully navigate the virtual political scene.

How does Vita do it? What can she teach Mitt Romney? 

"First things first," says Vita, "you have to get yourself elected, then deal with the media, then deal with the scandals, then open your offshore bank account," which she recommends doing prior to embarking on any political career track, "then you have to learn to how to change your identity, add additional skill points, and then return to the political landscape like a ghost, only this time, you're the long lost twin brother that was lost at sea, the one that the writers added back into to the script after an actor's contract negation resulted in a renewal for another season." 

Vita's political survival advice for Romney also includes such activities as: "Join the most popular political fraternity, hatch a plan to take over the White House, dig up embarrassing information to intimidate rival politicians, transform your family's vices into positive campaign issues while highlighting your relationships with acceptable family members, pretend that you think consumers deserve protection from predatory lenders, tell everyone that America's greatest days are ahead of them (this instills voter confidence), use words like "squeaker" to show your humility for support at the Iowa caucus - identify with others." 

"Identifying with others," says Vita, means determining what's "hot" and what's "not". So, therefore, "use popular symbolism," and don't forget to employ visual aids, like "a flag," things that easily symbolize traditional values." 

"With respect to crowd management, praise the crowd for forming. Tie their formation to their shared desire to defend a traditional value still shared by most people. Place your most exuberant supporters in the front and front middle rows of your televised audience. Enthusiasm is contagious. Once you get the voters thinking as one, they will act as one, and vote for you come election time." 

"Do not allow someone else to hijack your media event." 
Last but not least, Vita says, use "The British House of Common's sword line approach to raising campaign funds."  

In the Middle ages, boundaries were established by stitching red lines into the carpet to separate members of opposing parties to keep rival members from slashing one another during heated debates. Separated by two rapier lengths, plus one foot, the "sword line approach to political campaign funding means more money when you need it, protected by a generous amount of red tape to protect you until long after you've already been elected into office." 

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