Punnies

A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no. 

The book of incantations was useless. The author forgot to run a spell check. 

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge. 

I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak. 

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. 

The man who invented the door knocker won a No-bell prize. 

I could not pull out of my parking space, so I used my back-up plan. 

It is tough to conduct inventory in Afghanistan because of the tally ban. 

Not only did Border's go out of business, but that online origami store folded, too. 

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery. 

Experts say the cost of funerals have risen by 50%, they blame it on the cost of living. 

A criminal's best asset is his lie ability. 

While referring to Obama's presidency, the Washington Post meant to publish an article on The Nation In Action, but a typo confirmed the public's concern: The Nation Inaction

The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant, so the manager decided to dim sum. 

Stealing someone's coffee is called 'mugging'. 

Puns about monorails always make for decent one-liners. 

My local Crispy Cream went out of business, the baker said he was tired of the hole thing. 

Ground coffee tastes like mud. 

Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. 

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 

I really do have a photographic memory - I just haven't developed it yet. 

I used to enjoy rock climbing as a youth, but I was much boulder back then. 

England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. 

Tennis players don't marry because Love means Nothing to them. 

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A. 

The Buddhist refused pain-killers during his root canal because he wanted to transcend dental medication. 

MORE PUNS...

The cannibal's cookbook: "How to Better Serve your Fellow Man"

I used to be a watchmaker. It was a great job, I could make my own hours. 

Russia was slow to recover after WW2 because it kept Stalin around. 

It wasn't school Julie disliked, it was just the principal of it. 

The cost of candy at the movie theater is ridiculous. 

They're always raisinette. 

Being a garbage-man is recession proof.

Business is always picking up. 

Seven days without a pun makes one weak. 

I'm terrible at math. The equation 2n + 2n is 4n to me. 

I used to be a banker but I lost interest. 

Show me a person in denial and I'll show you a person in Egypt up to their ankles. 

The couple who met in the revolving door are still going around together. 

People who plug their computer keyboards into hi-fi systems aren't idiots. 

That would be stereotyping.