Tuesday, April 10, 2012

How Not To Be Smart

1. Do not set goals:  Leave the important things until last. It is always best to wait until the night before something is due and then work on it like a maniac. You'll have WAY more fun not worrying about stuff and only have to stress once in awhile... (outcomes may vary)

2. Drop out of school: Everything you need to know about the world is outside the house or inside your computer. The junk people want you to learn is outdated and irreverent given the fact that we live in an advanced, technologically savvy, knowledge-based world. Unless you want to end up looking and smelling like a Sardine, drop out today! 

3. Forget the hobbies, kick back and watch TV or go outside and play: The truly non-smart mind does not question their world or try to make sense of it. Just "go with the flow" is the attitude and secret to not being "smart." Being smart is a lot of hard work... relax, take a chill pill, watch the History channel if you're so desperate to learn something about somebody you either don't know or who has already been reincarnated into a couch. 

4. Stop learning new words: Learning new words just confuses people. Grunts, puffs, snorts, and an assortment of laughter musings are all the words you need. If that's too difficult, just smile - this is a visual cue for others who will immediately recognize your non-smart status and instantly treat you like a child, giving you a cookie... (Reminder: take the cookie).

5. Don't read: You don't need to read books, magazines, or news on Yahoo. Just wait for the movie to come out or skim, if absolutely necessary, to visually target what you want online and then click on the box that says CHECK OUT.  That's all you need to know. If you require help, forward me your name, address, telephone number, pet's name, credit card number, 3- or 4-digit security code (back for MasterCard or VISA; on the front for AMEX)... and I'll take care of things for you FREE OF CHARGE! 

6. Stay away from these devices, they are lethal to the non-smart mind:

7. Dump your math class and take up video doodling:  Nobody likes a smarty pants and nothing makes you sound smarter than talking about formulas and equations. The girl who made this video was not paying attention in class and instead was off on a journey in her own mind. Now, she's been contracted by Khan Academy. So, if you don't want to end up working or something like that, avoid posting it on YouTube or you might accidentally end up as an Internet sensation. People would then begin perceiving you as smart, demanding that you act smart, and sending a whole bunch of "smart vibes" your way, which may potentially make you smarter by association, which is contradictory to non-being-smart goals.

8. Avoid learning new languages: When you go out for sushi and the sushi chef yells "irrashaimase" as you enter, welcoming you to their establishment, respond with a simple "huh?" and a smile. Trying to repeat this word or acting as if you understand the meaning might result in others perceiving you as "smart" - smartness might be contagious, no reason to risk it for a Philly roll. 

9. Don't draw:  If you really want to be smart, pick up a pencil and draw something. Doing this causes smart stuff to come out of your brain, perhaps latent thoughts residing somewhere between the visual cortex and the prefrontal cortex. What's that you ask? Don't ask. Just a bunch of "smart" stuff. The point being: if you want to avoid getting any smarter, avoid drawing. Historically, leaders knew to limit the drawing of subjects over which they wanted dominion for a reason. Don't ask why. Just go with it. 

10. Do not update your skills: Nobody likes a show-off. Trust me, you'll have more friends if you quit learning how to do stuff that makes your friends jealous. This is the kiss of death for relationships. Having skills will automatically disqualify you from the non-smart club. You wouldn't want that, would you? Trust me, just say "No". 

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