Monday, September 1, 2014

Submission Guidelines for Our Refrigerator Door

Our refrigerator door is currently accepting artwork, collages, and poetry for submission. Please know that we are discerning about the works we display on our refrigerator door. We want to come away from our refrigerator door feeling cheerful and inspired, as if we have just learned something about ourselves and/or the world in the process. 

In short, we want to provide a cathartic, life-altering visual experience for anybody who comes into contact with our refrigerator door. Because of this, we expect only the best from those artists and writers who wish to contribute their work. 

Guidelines for Artwork

Your artwork should be strong and bold. While we are partial to science fiction, abstract work is okay, too, provided it is not simply abstract because you're too lazy to make something creative. For example, you can say that a squiggly line intersecting a circle is representative of the Big Bang, but we won't believe you unless the strength of the piece compels us to believe it is an artistic rendition of the Big Bang. Drawing newly formed galaxies or planets always helps us in the visualization department. 

We are open to mixed media so long as the work is light enough to be affixed to our refrigerator door by no more than six alphabet magnets or one really big banana magnet. Collages are welcome, but if the piece of art contains uncooked pasta make sure to glue it securely. We don't want anyone going to the frig for a late night snack only to end up slipping and falling on your art. In other words, when making collages, remember that glue is your friend! 

Please be sure that the work of art submitted includes the correct spelling of your name, the date the piece was created, and a one or two-line description of the piece. We ask that you name a sunset if you're drawing a sunset, for example, otherwise we might not have a clue as to what it is we are viewing. 

Guidelines for Poems

We are open to poetry, but keep in mind that any poem containing the word "poop" (in English, Spanish, or French) or variations of the word, such as "poopy," "poopsicle," or "pooptastic," will not be considered for publication. No one wants to read about poo while standing at our refrigerator door. While some of the cooked items might be described as tasting like ****, we recommend you not insult the cook - she has already threatened to "quit". 

When submitting poetry your writing should POP (not to be confused with the above mentioned "poop") off the page. You want to captivate your reader. We want readers to stand at the refrigerator door longer, thinking about your writing as well as their food choices. 

As you are probably well-aware, refrigerators are in the life-changing business. "You are what you eat," is a common term with which most people are familiar, so be sure to pack your prose as you would your lunchbox: with power, grace, and proper nutrition, or in this case, the proper use of punctuation. Commas are not little sparkles that you can scatter about your page. So use them wisely or don't use them at all. Same goes for exclamation points! 

We prefer all written work to be submitted on white-lined paper. The color yellow is off-putting and the colorblind cook doesn't register the color yellow, so she might mistake your lovely, awe-inspiring poem for dust and wipe it clear off! 

Not writing on the lines or utilizing margins can be sweet and charming in its simplicity, but we now require work that is aesthetically more high school or grown-up looking. 

Submissions should be no more than a page long. There is only so much space on our refrigerator door, as there must be room for the grocery shopping list, random family photos, and that invitation to the wedding we have to attend in December. Double-sided work will not be considered because we're just too darn lazy to turn the sheet around to look at the other side. 

Special Note Regarding Kamikaze Bunnies

We are no longer accepting Kamikaze Bunny-themed work, be it drawings, stories, or whatever! We've had it up to here with Kamikaze Bunnies. They jump off the refrigerator door in the middle of the night and wreak havoc in the kitchen, moving utensils into the wrong drawers, dirtying up the dishes and piling them in the sink, and rummaging through the garbage cans looking for carrots. 

Yes, Kamikaze Bunnies are "cool" and "fun" and they inspire amazing carrot juice, but enough is enough with the Kamikaze Bunnies. Kamikaze Bunnies are so last year. And no saying that something is an elephant and then later changing your submission title to Kamikaze Bunny - we know that trick as we tried it ourselves years ago when submitting drawings of Gremlins (see below).

No Simultaneous Submissions

We understand that you are very creative, and that Grandma and Grandpa somehow manage to put ALL of your notes and drawings up in their kitchen, but we're not Grandma and Grandpa, so if you have extra submissions, send them their way! 

3 Questions
(to ask yourself prior to submission)

  1. Is your submission Kamikaze Bunny-free? 
  2. Would you want to stare at your artwork every time you went to the refrigerator for something to eat? 
  3. Did you check with Grandma and Grandpa first to see if they had some room left? 

Thank you

We thank you for considering our refrigerator door for publication of your work. Please allow a five minute response time for your submission. If we are busy texting or checking our phones, expect a slightly longer wait time. Go clean or do your homework or something. Just leave your artwork on the kitchen counter and we will get to it in the order received. 

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