Sunday, November 6, 2011

The Alien Institute for Brain Science

Never fear, inefficient humans, soon there will be a comprehensive probe that will tell us which ones of you have sufficiently evolved since we first sent our scientists to populate your planet using the genome local to your solar system, which, admittedly, is relatively unchanging compared to our dynamic proteome - but we won't go there. 

Once we determine which ones of you have sufficiently evolved, you will be automatically teleported from your bedrooms in the middle of the night to our lovely, spacious, time-defying organipods where your chromosomes will be reassembled into a more efficient coding. 

While it may be tempting, please do not waste precious time alerting your local media, politicians, or safety personnel - they work for us. 

We also apologize in advance for the inconvenience you may experience while we deplete your planet of all its resources in order to build our return ships (gold is an excellent insulator against the harmful effects of cosmic radiation).

Even though you only have about one quadrillion (1015) synapses, this message might actually concern some of you, but that does not concern us as we are not wired with human emotions. We decided to prune that reaction out of our response tree before your solar system was born. 

Big Brother is our little cousin, once removed on the side of our family that comes from an entirely different solar system all together. Still, they're pretty effective at what they do.

Not only have they inserted large doses of the brain protein monoamine oxidase A into your water and food systems, but together, we've invented a FCBS (Freakin' Cool Brain Scan) to determine which ones of you actually possess enough innate intelligence to work our complicated control panels. After all, someone's gotta steer these ships home.

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