Tuesday, July 12, 2011

UP: The American Story of Debt

Once upon a time, there lived a newly appointed President who lived in a beautiful White House next door to the National Security Council. In order "to protect the full faith and credit of the United States and avoid catastrophic economic consequences for citizens," the newly appointed President decided to unleash his balloons and fly far, far away to find the head of the Congressional Covert Operations Bureau as part of his overall plan to do away with the evil Social Security Squad and their sinister cover-up agency, The Medicare Metahuman Relief Fund. 

May 16, 2011
Outside the headquarters of the Congressional Covert Operations Bureau

Mutant 1: "Geithner promised us he'd tell us how he performs his secret hoop-jumping tricks." 

"Looks like they're not working..." explained Madman Secretary.

Mutant 1: "How high do you think he actually made it before the ceiling cracked?" 

"By our calculations, it looks like he made it 14.294 trillion feet," retorted Madman.

Mutant 1: "That's not bad. I guess it doesn't really matter that we've hit this spot 74 times since 1962. 75 might be our lucky number!" 

"Nah... I wouldn't give up so soon. I think we can do it 100 times before anyone really takes notice. Sure they're Tweeting about it. Sure they're posting it to their blogs and Facebook, but nobody really understands math. Fortunately, we cut all those school programs out long ago and replaced them with hyperbole and fluff. Ultimately, we can hit the ceiling 1000 times because we're... The Man!"

Mutant 2: "But what about the AARP?  Aren't they pretty savvy?" 

"They were, but we sabotaged their entire collection of hearing aides. They won't be able to hear what CNN is reporting." 

Innocent onlookers: "But what if we just payed the interest due to our bondholders? Wouldn't that shrink our legal obligations and protect the country from the perception of default?" 

"Look," Madman Secretary began, "If we want to shirk our legal obligations and blame it on the Middle East, there's not a whole lot you or anyone else can do about it. Besides, we'll get people fired up come Christmas! That's when we're planning to raise taxes by several hundred billion dollars. Everyone will be so busy following the long tailspin, the economic repercussions won't be understood until we're long gone. By then, we'll elect the dullest, most simple-minded, dim-witted woman we can find to office, that will keep 'em guessing!" 

"But wait," protested Mutant 1: "Won't we lose our jobs over this?" 

"Nah... we'll just create a new agency to clean up the mess and transfer funds there. I know how much you love that new Maybach of yours, we wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that sweet ride. Besides, we might need a get-away car if the Social Security Squad gets wind of our eeee-vil plan...Whahahahaha!"

*uhem...that is if we still have a government

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