Sunday, April 20, 2014
Kamikaze Bunnies and Easter
The origin of Kamikaze Bunnies is a work in progress. Every generation has to make sense of their past for itself. The facts may stay the same, but the work of interpretation goes on and on. This brief post glimpses at the cutting edge of this process. Culled from eyewitness accounts and hearsay, it is an authentic voice of our generation's viewpoint on the nature and meaning of Kamikaze Bunnies.
I have taken the liberty of weaving their cute little tales into a more-or-less coherent fabric, but the words and Easter-egg bullets belong to them. The spelling might be avant-garde and the logic experimental, at best, but no one can fault me because I do not ascribe to the notion of fault - so there!
At its best, this post illustrates the ingenious and often comic ways we all attempt to make sense of information we cannot understand because we have no context or frame of reference for it - either that, or we've never seen or heard of Kamikaze Bunnies, in which case I'd have ask: Where in the world have you been hiding... in a rabbit hole somewhere?
One source for this post has been the work of my own blog because I have mentioned these little critters before. The bulk of the raw material comes from after having juiced far too many carrots this morning on account of it being Easter.
Kamikaze Bunnies: early 17th century (originally used as a term of endearment for one's beloved who embarks upon a Kamikaze mission, later a pet name for rabbits who exhibit an extraordinary appetite for the flesh of carrots).
Bible legend states that the trouble with Kamikaze Bunnies started after a rabbit ate the Golden Carrot of Discord. This was the forbidding vegetable, the naughty cultivated feathery-leaved plant of parsley that yields Kamikaze Bunnies. A miffed God sent forth his wrath. Bunnies fell from the space of grace. It was mostly downhill skiing from there.
Prebunnyhistory, a subject mainly studied by bunnypologists, was prior to the year 1500. When bunnies were not available the people ate carrots. Social division of labour began when a tribe would split into hunters and Easter worshipers. Crow Magnum man had a special affinity for this. Advances were most common during the inter-rabbitic periods.
Early carrot agriculture was known as "hide and seek." One origin of hiding Easter eggs, according to Kamikaze-Bunny-ologists was worry about hungry little critters eating up all the carrot flowers during the months of June to August. The umbels made tasty treats and hence early humans began hiding them from pesky varmints who insisted that the bright white and rounded flowers were Oh so delish!
We are fortunate that early Kamikaze Bunnies were there to guard the crops.
Stories of Kamikaze Bunnies woozing out of the Nile about 300,000 years ago lead to legends whereby the Nile was supposedly originally filled to the brim with Kamikaze Bunnies. It is true, according to Kamikaze-Bunny-ologists, the Nile was a river, it had water in it, and every year it would flood. Whether Kamikaze Bunnies emerged from it is still a matter of heated debate.
The Sumerian Kamikaze Bunnies, which are reportedly the oldest known Kamikaze Bunnies, began about 3,500 years before Christmas, which is why Easter is way more important than Christmas and Easter Bunnies way more important that some guy who may or may not live in the North Pole, which of course, is somewhere in the South Pole.
Eventually, Kamikazee Bunnies were allowed democratic freedoms like hiding eggs one day per year, blowing them up so that they could post cool YouTube videos in the hopes of going viral, and taking an egg for an egg and a chocolate bunny for a chocolate bunny.
One totally bizarre tale associated with Kamikaze Bunny lore is that of King Nebodresser, a man who loved to dress up as the Easter Bunny and hand deliver eggs to his subjects. According to some Kamikaze-Bunny-ologists, he hung the eggs in his gardens.
Hammurabi was a Kamikaze Bunny lawyer who lived a very long time ago. He defended Kamikaze Bunnies against the onslaught of Kamikaze Bunny persecution. He held his hands over his mouth with three eggs as a sign of prayer to the Kamikaze Bunnies. This became known as the Eggs of Hammurabi.
Zorro-kamikaze-bunny-ogism was founded by a Kamikaze Bunny named Zorro. According to legend, he was allergic to carrots, which is why he did not celebrate Easter. Following in this tradition, current day Zorro-kamikaze-bunny-ologists study Easter but they do not partake of Easter candies or carrots in honor of Zorro, the father of Zorro-kamikaze-bunny-ism. Instead they eat Protest Bunny cakes.
Freshly baked 'Bunny Protest Cake'
The history of Kamikaze Bunnies, as you can see, is convoluted and totally farcical, but if you would like to know more about Kamikaze Bunnies, their origin, or their belief systems, you can take up the totally made-up, as are all notions of examination, science of Kamikaze-bunny-ism and compare notes with Zorro-kamikaze-bunny-ologists and see what else you can make up on the subject.