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Everyone's A Philosopher, Even Your Cousin George
Here is something nobody tells you in school: you have been doing philosophy your entire life, and you are surprisingly good at it.
Not the kind with the footnotes and the German compound words that take three sentences to define and still leave you uncertain. I'm talking the real kind. The kind Socrates was doing in the marketplace before the city of Athens decided he was having too much influence over Athen's youth and made him stop indefinitely.
Cracking the Humor Code is Mastering the Socratic Method, As Long as That Method is Wrapped Up In A Joke. Results vary.
Nobody has to be a professional philosopher to philosophize. That's a specific language that is hilarious in itself. I find seriousness endlessly entertaining because it exposes so much incongruity in the world, I can't help but laugh.
The reality is people philosophize it at dinner tables, in traffic, at two in the morning when the ceiling offers no useful input and YouTube won't stop showing commercials because you refuse to upgrade to premium. We philosophize with questions so ordinary they barely feel like real questions in and of themselves. But all of these questions are indeed so serious that entire academic careers have been built on coming up with better ways to ask the same question, with no real answer in sight. When I first started writing jokes in 2011, one of my first was about how to hot wire a car. That in itself sounded audacious to me, which made me laugh. At the same time, I wanted people to at least get something practical out of visiting my blog and if Hollywood has taught me anything, locksmithing is a valuable skillset to covet. I digress.
Is this fair? This question is asked all the time and kept Plato busy for decades. If you ask me, Plato had real reasons to think otherwise. Athens turned on his mentor. Keep in mind that before this, Socrates was a war hero. But he was also a Dumb-Dumb going around asking all those imprudent questions. I mean, they're interesting and all, but the only real skillset he mastered was ticking people off for exposing flawed assumptions they didn't know they had. In retrospect, he might have thought that through beforehand. I digress again.
What's the point of all this? You might have been thinking that just from reading this article. If so, you're in good company because Camus wrote stacks of papers and a really good book on this. You should totally check out his work online.
Why can't I be happy? Probably because I'm reading Camus. Kidding. Well, half-kidding, which is precisely the approach Augustine tried. In fact, he tried everything available to a brilliant man in the fourth century — philosophy, ambition, a series of increasingly unsatisfying relationships — and eventually concluded, with the weary precision of someone who has genuinely checked, that the heart is restless until it finds its rest. Which is either the most comforting thing anyone has ever said or the most exhausting, depending on what day of the week it is.
How Jokes Work
The gap between the ordinary question and what the philosopher hears is why jokes work. It is where the best jokes live. Because a joke and a philosophical argument are running the same logic:Jokes About People Appeal To People
- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
- I asked my dog what two minus two is. He said nothing.
- I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
- The cemetery is so crowded, people are dying to get in.
- I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
- I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom — until they're flashing behind you.
- I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
- I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. (Worth repeating. It earns it.)
- I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
- A pessimist's blood type is always B negative.
- I haven't slept for ten days because that would be too long.
- My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
- I told a joke about paper once. It was tearable.
- I can't take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him. I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
- Someone stole my mood ring. I don't know how I feel about that.
- I have a joke about time travel, but you didn't like it.
- I went to the doctor and told him I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
- Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
- I'm terrified of elevators. I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.
- My wife told me I had to stop acting like a detective. I said: good. Case closed.
- I have many jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
Putting the Jokes To Work
Step one is simple: read through all twenty two jokes and notice which ones make you laugh out loud, which ones make you smile slowly, and which ones make you think for three seconds. That delay is important. The three-second jokes are the ones with philosophical umph. Those are your best material for this experiment, because the audience will do the same thing — laugh, then realize why, then feel slightly smarter than they did thirty seconds ago. That feeling is what you are selling.
Step two: memorize your top five if you can. Not word for word like a recitation, but well enough that you can deliver them in your own voice, at your own pace, with the timing that feels natural to you. The best jokes need the pause before the punchline to land. The punchline is the setup, and that only works if the audience hears the setup second. The surrealist light bulb joke needs you to believe the answer completely, because the joke bombs the moment you signal that you know it is absurd.
Step three: for the jokes you cannot memorize, make actual cue cards. Small ones. Index cards, not pages. Read them deadpan if you have to. Deadpan is not a failure mode — deadpan is a delivery choice, and for this particular category of intellectual humor it is often more effective than performance. The joke about being indecisive is funnier when the person saying it looks completely serious.
Step four: take these to an open mic night. Any open mic. Not necessarily a comedy open mic, though that works too — a poetry night, a storytelling event, a casual gathering where people have agreed to pay attention for three minutes. Tell six jokes. Watch which ones land, which ones miss, and which ones get the slow three-second laugh that means the philosophical payload detonated correctly. Take notes afterward, not during, because taking notes during is a good way to ruin the experiment and also to make the audience feel like lab rats, which they are, but they do not need to know that yet.
Step five, and this is the one that matters most: do not trust the results of a single night. Stats, as we have established, are Dumb-Dumb with a spreadsheet. One audience in one room on one evening tells you almost nothing except what worked in that room on that evening. Go back. Try different jokes in a different order with a different crowd. The experiment is the point. The data comes later, if it comes at all, and if it does not, you have still spent several evenings in rooms full of people laughing at questions that Plato could not answer, which is a perfectly reasonable way to spend one's life.
I have learned a few things over fifteen years, mostly from the numbers, and the numbers are almost always right about all of the wrong things. What they cannot measure is the moment when a room of strangers laughs together at the same joke and for exactly three seconds everyone in it is thinking the same thought. That is philosophy working.
More photos, jokes, and stories coming soon.






