This joke isn’t about philosophy.
The joke is people who think philosophers talk like that.
Most philosophers I’ve known don’t wake up wondering, “What is epistemic justification under conditions of defeasible evidence?” They wake up wondering why the coffee is taking so long to brew.
How to Speak Philosopher
A completely unnecessary guide.
People often think philosophers spend their days asking questions no normal human being would ever ask.
They imagine conversations like this:
“Could you pass the salt?”
“What is salt?” 🧂
This has done tremendous damage to our reputation.
In reality, philosophers ask exactly the same questions everyone else does. They’re simply incapable of leaving them alone. 🥹
A normal person says,
“I wonder what I should do with my life.”
A philosopher says,
“Interesting. Before we answer that, what exactly counts as a life? And how do we define ‘should’?”
The rest of my family quietly left the room.
Whoopsie 😬
Philosophers are remarkable — if I don’t say so myself — because they possess a supernatural ability to turn a five-minute conversation into a doctoral dissertation without anyone noticing the precise moment things went wrong.
You ask whether pineapple belongs on pizza.🍕 which it does not. 🍍
Twenty minutes later someone is defending Aristotle.
The philosopher also has a curious relationship with ordinary words.
Most people hear the word chair 🪑 and sit down.
A philosopher hears chair and begins wondering whether chairs possess an essence that survives the replacement of every individual part.
By dessert, nobody has anywhere to sit. 🍦
The public has also been misled into believing philosophers only ask gigantic questions.
“What is justice?”
“What is truth?”
“What is beauty?”
Nonsense.
They also ask very practical questions.
“How many books 📚 can I buy before this becomes an ethical issue?”
“If I cite myself, am I agreeing with myself?” 🤔
“Is a three-hour footnote still technically a footnote?”
The greatest misconception, however, is that philosophers know the answers.
Absolutely not. 🙅🏼♀️
The profession largely consists of inventing increasingly fascinating questions until somebody writes a book disagreeing with you.
Then someone writes another book disagreeing with both of you. 😁
Three hundred years later, an undergraduate discovers the whole argument the night before the final exam and concludes everyone involved was overthinking it.
People often ask me how to recognize a philosopher in the wild.
It is easier than you think.
Mention almost any topic.
Weather. ☀️
Dogs. 🐕
Taxes. 💸
Soup. 🥣
Within moments, they will gently tilt their head and ask,
“What do we mean by…?”
At this point, you still have time to escape. 🏃♀️
There is one final giveaway.
Normal conversations end.
Philosophical conversations merely pause because someone remembered they had to feed the cat. 🐱
The next time you meet, everyone resumes exactly where they left off, as though six months had been a particularly long comma.
The cat, incidentally, remains unconvinced by determinism.
So yes, philosophers sometimes ask, “What is justice?”
But they also ask, “Who bought the good coffee?” ☕️ and “Why is the Wi-Fi down?” 📱 and “Whose turn is it to present?” 🎙️
Philosophy doesn’t replace ordinary life.
It simply refuses to stop asking ordinary life awkward questions. 🤷🏼♀️
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