The Etiquette of Humor IV

IV. HOW NOT TO CONVERSE

The subtlety of a child wearing spectacles and reading a hardbound book delivers the same “kids are smart” punchline.

 THE BRAGGART

There is a big difference between sharing our accomplishments and extolling our virtues to anyone we happen to meet. Close friends and family members allow us to brag a little because they are just as pleased as we are about positive, successful outcomes, but no one wants to have someone make a mockery of their success.

Others are not as interested in our successes. Even when we are bursting with pride, the good-humored conversationalist does not go on and on about what a wonderful job they did, or how bright their child is. Many recognize this due to past social blunders where they held someone uncomfortably captive with their good news story.

In the event you find yourself captive of a braggart, comment politely about their remarks and try to redirect the conversation. Abruptly changing the subject can leave a proud individual feeling socially awkward for having shared their good news. 

Responding to another’s good fortune with a good-humored response can both acknowledge the other person’s pride while simultaneously and smoothly opening the pathway for more general conversation that can be shared in equal terms. Sociability is all about navigating the nuances of equality. 

What a great story! Speaking of which...

The Etiquette of Humor III

III. WHAT NOT TO SAY

Humorous conversation should not be made to be about someone, especially in a group, even among a group of close friends. “Whew,” remarked a friend of mine once after a differ party where a woman we both knew laughingly dissected the life of another friend, “if she talks like that about so-and-so, I wonder what she says about me!”

One way to immediately halt the speaker is by saying, “Goodness, so-and-so always has such nice things to say about you!” and then immediately change the topic or follow it up with a lighthearted joke. When confronted with a question about someone or an unpleasant topic, find something positive to say, even if it is about the condition of someone's front lawn, the high polish on someone’s car, or a feel-good news story you recently saw on the news. Public gossip about others is an unbefitting topic and joking about someone behind their back is the same as backstabbing them (in public, there are eyewitnesses - so, be careful!)  

Consequently, the person who does not engage in mean-spirited joking at another’s expense is generally known as someone who never has an unkind thing to say.

No matter how tempting it may be to pass along a nasty joke at someone else’s expense or to join in a group talking unkindly about one group or another, do not do it. It doesn’t just defame the character of the other person; it defames you in the process. Tactful people keep their prejudices to themselves, taking care not to revel them in social jesting.

If you find another person’s joke distasteful or totally unacceptable, try to change the subject as soon as possible. If you care too intensely about a subject, it is dangerous to allow yourself to say anything. That is, if you can only expound your own fixed point of view, then you should never mention the subject except as a platform speaker. 

If, on the other hand, you are able to listen with an open mind, you may safely speak up on any topic. After all, any mutually interesting topic has the potential to lead to one about which you do not agree. 

In general, it is much better to withdraw from these sorts of discussions unless you can argue without bitterness or bigotry. Argument between coolheaded, skillful opponents may be an amusing game, but it can be very dangerous for those who become hotheaded and ill-tempered.

It is like rubbing salt into an open wound to make careless remarks about someone’s personal appearance such as “What happened to Susie’s weight? She went away to school fit as a fiddle and returned looking as if she swallowed it.” or “So, what’s really wrong with the Jones’ son?”

These questions may sound unbelievable, but they are the types of “set-up” questions many people continue to ask. If you have any sense, you wouldn’t repeat them or allow them to proliferate.

If, for example, you’re speaking with your grandmother, you wouldn’t tell her jokes about getting old, just as you wouldn’t make off-color remarks or complain about gaining weight to a person who is obese. 

It is not only unkind to ridicule or criticize others, but the tables can easily be turned on those who do. A young girl asked a boy she hoped to date, “How can you possibly go out with her?” “It’s easy,” he replied, “she’s my sister!”

It is also tactless to ask someone why they are not married, why they have no children, only have one arm, or why they are wearing a bandage or eye patch. Never ask someone whether he or she has had cosmetic surgery because they look so much better than they used to! The person who is ill will only be depressed that it shows, the person who looks better does not appreciate your attributing the improvement to cosmetic surgery, even if that is the case. 

In other words, there is no need to comment about a great number of things, just because one can. Many topics are extremely personal and should be respected as such. If a person wants to talk about a personal matter, he or she should be allowed to initiate the conversation; it is never up to us to do so. 

The Etiquette of Humor II

II. SOCIAL JESTING

Careful consideration of another’s tolerance for humor should be considered prior to the utilization of it.  Nearly all the faults or mistakes commonly made in invoking humor in conversation are caused by not thinking or a by a lack of consideration of what is considered humorous rhetoric. No one responds favorably to debauched humor, which only evokes the need for common etiquette. Consequently, there is a need for etiquette in humor as a natural companion of conversation. 

When a person can tell a story about how their car broke down on the way to the party and have everyone laughing, they’re jesting. Jesting, like the Italian scherzo, is light-hearted in nature. Yet, someone who constantly tries to be funny is generally a bore. Relying on sincerity, clarity and an intelligent choice of conversational subjects, in particular the inclusion of appropriate humor, is safer and therefore a more attractive feature in social behavior.

http://www.gutenberg.org/files/23290/23290-h/23290-h.htm

Some individuals become the life of the party because, in their presence, all feel included and welcome, participating in the repartee like component parts of a fast-moving humorous composition. The twists, personally delivered to the subject by the storyteller, delight listeners and lure them into further discourse. These discussions sparkle with humor and goodwill.

The Storyteller

Hugues Merle (1874)

Other individuals talk and talk to the point that eyes glaze over. Rather than probing for appropriate subject matter; these individuals often race to the finish line without first declaring it a race. These discussions receive minimal response, and in polite company, are tolerated but not always comfortably received. The occasional eyebrow may lift across a crowd of listeners during the story being shared. This results in irregularities by which the group disperses at the first sign of an open exit.

The Desperate Man (1844-45)

Gustave Courbet 

Courtesy The Metropolitan Museum of Art

Serving food or a bottle of wine at a party provides a good opener for the introduction of humorous discourse. “This is a beautiful D’Arenburg wine from Australia, gently handled through the winery, guided through the Demoisy crusher, and openly fermented by traditional foot treading, which not only takes 18 months of barrel maturation in old French and American oak to tickle the palate, but to also get rid of the stains on one's feet.” 

When complimenting the host or hostess for the time he or she invested in the eloquence of his or her presentation, an individual may respond with a small pleasantry such as, “I have so little time to be creative in the kitchen that this is a real treat!”  this statement can then be followed by the polite, “Do you cook?” in order to move the conversation along or as a potential opening to further humorous repartee, such as “Only when I have to.”  

Asking questions can both initiate and carry on a conversation. Requesting advice can win instant popularity. Asking an avid photographer which type of camera they’d recommend you take on a holiday to the mountains is a good way to break the ice. However, humorously recanting a story about a time when you stopped by the side of the mountain to take a photograph of a scenic shot, only to accidentally trip and drop your camera 2,000 feet down the side of the cliff, can win you instant notoriety whilst eagerly engaging listeners. These are the people who receive the most invitations to social gatherings. Their stories delight others and help make the party a success. 

Humorous compliments, when well crafted, can help alleviate shyness many people have about being too personal in public. If you are one who finds it difficult to deliver a firsthand compliment, you can instead give one “once removed.”  “I hear from Jake that you’re a sharpshooter at the paintball range. What I want to know is, how do you avoid looking like you were just tossed around in a rainbow machine when you leave the park?” 

This self-directed quip does not leave the receiver of a compliment with a mere “Thank you” response or a self-depreciating “I’m not that good,” with nothing further to say. The humorous question added on at the end of a pleasant compliment gives the receiver of it an opportunity to laugh and continue the conversation with something relevant to add. 

When a nice thought about someone crosses your mind, share it. Just remember that there is a grand difference between compliments and flattery: a compliment is palatable, whereas flattery is indigestible. 

If you are the individual being complimented you will want to show your appreciation and pleasure. Do not belittle the compliment or simper it with coquettish gestures. If someone compliments you on your outfit, do not reply with “Oh this thing,” or “Are you blind?”  The appropriate response to any compliment is to say “Thank you,” or “I’m so glad you like it,” or the pleasant “Aren’t you nice to say so.” 

If you wish to add a humorous self-directed quip to break the ice you could say something like “It’s new. I hope I remembered to take off all the tags!” This imagery is humorous and generally elicits a laugh or two. 

Humorous jesting applied to compliments is permissible and generally desirable in social discourse. Unpleasant remarks, or remarks that make another person uncomfortable, are definitely in bad taste. Just as jests that insinuate or conceal a hidden message. The old adage, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”  

The same adage applies to humor, “If it’s not funny for everyone, it’s not funny.” 

Humor can be used to make someone less self-conscious of a perceived fault. Imagine that you are at a party and accidentally get a run in your stockings. If you have a spare in your purse, you can go change. If there’s a store nearby, you can always graciously bow out and go buy a pair, returning of course with an hors d’oeuvre or a bottle of wine for the hostess.  If there’s no escape, you can always place a Band-Aid over the run turning a flaw into surrealist artistic expression. 

This "silent movie" behavior uses positive Freudian methods of free association, where poetry and prose draw upon the world of the mind, unharnessing surrealistic humor. Without speaking, it is there for the wandering eye to discover. This transfers the laugh from the awkwardness a woman might feel with the run in her stockings at a dinner party to the inanimately humorous Band-Aid openly failing to conceal the run in a: “If you can’t beat them, join them” attitude. 

Transferring human frailty to material flaws is artistic and aesthetically funny. It illustrates absurdity in social values, visually expressing cynicism about conventional ideas of form and beauty. The ability to laugh at oneself has the broadest appeal, affording an individual the appearance of self-confidence without having to draw negative attention to themselves by complaining, in particular about something that cannot be fixed at that moment. The Band-Aid strategy is therefore instantly recognized as something that allows someone else to hold onto a semblance of dignity in a witty way.

Supreme Dignity

Crow

James Ayers

The Etiquette of Humor

I. THE HUMOROUS CONVERSATIONALIST 

Humorous conversation is the utilization of wit and oratory with the intent to bring eloquence to an exchange of thought.  Fortunately, it is not essential to be humorous to be considered someone with whom others are delighted to talk. An ability to express interest in another person and to express our own thoughts and feelings clearly and simply is sufficient for ordinary conversation. 

Humorous conversation, like ordinary conversation, should be a manner of equal, give-and-take. Humorous conversation is employed when an individual makes a concerted effort to utilize humor without monopolizing the conversation. The goal is to raise the level of satisfaction in the name of common interest. 

In the same exchange, the individual less comfortable with employing humor should accept these overtures as the other’s attempt to bring a sense of panache to the conversation, which is considered by most an intellectual delight, and so should be graciously received as such. On rare occasion, the initiation of humorous conversation may lead to an equally balanced, delightful give-and-take discourse in return, and so should be encouraged in honor of conscious solidarity.

Perhaps the simplest rule by which good humor can be measured is equal satisfaction and common delight. 

If you dread interacting with people because you are concerned you will not be able to think of something witty to say, remember that most humorous conversational errors are committed not by those who joke too little but by those who joke around too much. This does not place sole blame on the latter person’s error alone. Often times, silence disproportions conversation to an equally uncomfortable experience whereby instinctual and behavioral coping skills are invoked to navigate a dreaded discussion toward an expedient conclusion. While there are some who forcefully speak, speaking is not synonymous with talking or humorous conversation and is instinctively recognized as an experience of the inverse - all take and no give.

            

When a non-conversationalist engages in discourse with a conversationalist, the person, be it a speaker or listener, can become overwhelmed to the point that they do not hear a word that is said by the other because he or she is trying so desperately to think of what to say next. 

The etiquette of humorous discourse, if honored by both participants, can alleviate concern and serve as a model upon which to discourse. The practical rule of humorous engagement is to converse by the framework within which humorous discourse can be carried out. Such rules may be general or specific, and there will notably be variances between cultures, however, when applied, this should satisfy the most discerning.

Rules of humorous conversation provide those who utilize humor direction to engaging humorous conversation with a degree of confidence that their efforts are conducted within a defensible framework. It provides individuals wishing to utilize humor in conversation with a clearly delineated set of responsibilities and constraints.

Utilizing humor in conversation should be done so with a degree of mindfulness. When and with whom humor may be used, which forms are appropriate and acceptable, and what evidence is required to support their use should be given due consideration. Haphazardly introducing humor into a conversation should be avoided until the benefits of doing so would be considered meritorious.  

Humorous conversation is all about timing. It means not rushing ahead without thinking, paying attention to the expression of the person with whom you are talking; and listening attentively, in other words, a sympathetic listener. It is important to really hear what is being said. A fixed expression of opinion or indifference can cause your mind to wander far away resulting in disproportionate silence or self-centered conversation.

            

Everyone loves to talk to a captivated listener. As such, it is considerate to engage all people present in the conversation. As a rule of thumb, humor should be utilized in proportion equal to the individuals present, the one who uses humor more than one-third of the time is not having a conversation but is giving a speech.