It was So Cold in Paris Today

It was So Cold in Paris today...

they were freezing people at the stake! 

It was So Cold in Paris today...

Civil Servants went from moving at glacier speed
to traveling at the speed of light!
(subsequently, everyone got their requests processed timely)

It was So Cold in Paris today...

cafés were serving frozen expresso on a stick!

It was So Cold in Paris today...

pickpockets were sticking their hands

in strangers' pockets just to stay warm.

It was So Cold in Paris today...

Yves St. Laurent started designing electric jeans.

It was So Cold in Paris today...

they put a Cherry on top of the Eiffel Tower!

It was So Cold in Paris today...

words froze in midair. 

If you wanted to hear what someone had to say

you had to grab some sentences and take them 

back inside to thaw them out by the fire.

It was So Cold in Paris today...

we had to stop eating with metal cutlery.

People were walking around all afternoon 

with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!

It was So Cold in Paris today...

the fake Cartier and Louis Vuitton peddlers were wearing fake heaters.

It was So Cold in Paris today...

when I turned on the shower - 

I got hail! 

It was So Cold in Paris today...

animal rights activists were buying fur coats! 

It was So Cold in Paris today...

hitchhikers were holding up signs to

"anywhere above 0°".

It was So Cold in Paris today...

Angelina's was serving their famous hot chocolate

not in a cup but rather by the slice!

It was So Cold in Paris today...

Parisians and Germans got along

because Schnapps was the only drink that was still liquid.

It was So Cold in Paris today...

we didn't have icicles -

we had stalactites!

It was So Cold in Paris today...

my shadow froze to the ground.

When I took a step, it snapped right off! 

It was So Cold in Paris today...

a glacier was seen slowly creeping down the Champs-Élysées

It was So Cold in Paris today...

my rubber ducky refused to get in the tub. 

He squeaked, quacked, then waddled off southward. 

It was So Cold in Paris today...

the Plat du Jour:

Il fait plus froid

consisted of 24,000 calories

It was So Cold in Paris today...

hitchhikers were holding up signs to

"anywhere above 0°

It was So Cold in Paris today...

bakeries wrapped their baguettes

in electric blankets!

It was So Cold in Paris today...

coffee looked like slushies.

It was So Cold in Paris today...

the French government introduced

a 5% Shivering Tax.

It was So Cold in Paris today...

holiday sales reached a record high!

People walked inside every shop along the Quai

just to warm up.

It was So Cold in Paris today...

my toes were...

Oops! 

What happened to my toes?!?

It was So Cold in Paris today...

the global warming supporters retracted their prognostications

in favor of "global freezing"

It was So Cold in Paris today...

people who complained about the heat this summer

actually found themselves missing it!

It was So Cold in Paris today...

the metro was handing out loaner ice skates

and serving hot chocolate at every station

on account of everyone having to skate to their destination.

It was So Cold in Paris today...

the pigeons learned how to fly.

They were last seen flying south toward Maiorca.

It was So Cold in Paris today...

the entire city was back in lights...

the icicles shined in the sunlight and moonlight, both! 

It was So Cold in Paris today...

even banks had their assets frozen.

It was So Cold in Paris today...

that the Sorbonne introduced the Theory of Ice Age.

It was So Cold in Paris today...

all the ornaments on our Christmas tree huddled around the

star at the top of the tree to bask in its warmth.

It was So Cold in Paris today...

tourists were buying roasted chestnuts along the Champs Élysées

and stuffing them into their pants and pockets to stay warm.

It was So Cold in Paris today...

even my iPod player was frozen in its tracks. 

It was So Cold in Paris today...

I froze my buns off

bringing home croissants from the bakery!

It was So Cold in Paris today...

instead of weaving through traffic

motorcyclists all huddled together around a giant bonfire 

along the banks of the Seine.

It was So Cold in Paris today...

healthy people were hugging people with the flu

just hoping to catch a fever!

It was So Cold in Paris today...

commuters to La Defense longed for the crowds of a Tokyo subway.

It was So Cold in Paris today...

we played checkers with tea candles.

It was So Cold in Paris today...

Apple introduced the iParka.

It was So Cold in Paris today...

Apple sold oversized keyboards

to accommodate mittens.

It was So Cold in Paris today...

all the Parisians left on another crusade

"Quest for Fire"

It was So Cold in Paris today...

men showed up at the Opéra

in bearskin tuxedos.

It was So Cold in Paris today...

tennis racket sales went sky high!

On account of everyone buying two

to strap to each foot. 

It was So Cold in Paris today...

the importer of Tabasco sauce

was elected to the Ministry of Foreign Affairs.

It was So Cold in Paris today...

kids pretended to go outside and play.

It was So Cold in Paris today...

the merits of Cryonics were reconsidered. 

It was So Cold in Paris today...

two new Indian curry restaurants opened up on every street corner. 

It was So Cold in Paris today...

the French army issued electric epaulettes to keep the soldiers' ears warm

It was So Cold in Paris today...

we named the big blocks of ice that formed along the Seine

"Icehenge"

resulting in a 37% increase in tourism

It was So Cold in Paris today...

expeditions to Canada to get more Beaver Fur resumed

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

It was So Cold in Paris today...

Napoleon headed south.