One-Liners

We live in a world where we're proud of machines that think, and suspicious of people that do.


We invented GPS and still lose luggage.


The best joke is the truth.


Drink plenty of caffeine on the road to enlightenment...you'll get there faster!


I learn faster with caffeine!


Personality kicks in where comparison ends.


Childhood is like being drunk, everyone remembers what you did except you.


Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.


Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.


It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.


I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.


If you believe in telekinesis ... Raise my hand.


Duct tape is like the force - it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.


Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.


Failed Text Message: I'm :( w/o u, it's almost like ur still here.


My Mom is American and my Dad was German, which means we spent most of our holidays in customs.


Sit up or sit down (same result)


Why do we say that we sit in front of our TV and behind our computer?


Why is it called lipstick if we can still move our lips?


Why do they call it 'chili' when it's so darn hot!


Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?


I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?


If you steal a clan slate, does it go on your record?


If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of?


If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?


If a person who cannot count finds a 4-leaf clover, is it still lucky?


If the entire world is a stage, where's the audience seated?


If a book about failures doesn't sale, is it a success?


How come wrong numbers are never busy?


Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?


How do you dial a pushbutton phone?


Do fish get thirsty from drinking all that salt water?


Do penguins have knees?


Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons?


Can Atheists get insurance for acts of God?


Where can I find seeds to plant some seedless watermelons?


Just because you're a Vegetarian, don't expect the shark not to eat you.


If mummies are from Egypt, where are Daddies from?


What's another word for synonym?


Flashlight: Device for storing dead batteries.


When photographing cheese, what do you ask it to say?


I should open a university and call it "DEGREE KING" for those people who like education their way.


I doubt I have the answers, but I still admire the problems.


Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh.


From observation, it would seem that the more you complain, the longer God lets you live.


I'm hoping to find a cure for my hiccups, but I'm not holding my breath.


A good pun is its own reward.


Republicans wear short sleeves demonstrating their right to bare arms.


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Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks, I'm not reading it.


When I can't get into Facebook, I hack in through Twitter.


Evolution is the Universe's way of issuing upgrades.


Black holes are where the Universe divided by zero.


All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?


The idea that is the hardest to disprove is the idea that you know can't possibly be wrong.


I would love to change the world, but nobody gave me the source code for it.


Speaking of which, I need the cheat codes, too.


If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0.


My computer doesn't have a virus. It just develops random features.


Windows isn't a virus, viruses do something.


Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."


Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your PC.


Bugs come in through open Windows.


C://dos C://dos.run run.dos.run


The box said "Requires Windows Vista or better", so I installed LINUX.


The truth is out there. Anybody got the URL?


CAPS LOCK - Preventing Login Since 1980.


Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.


The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.


I will not quarrel with a slight mistake, such as our nature's frailty may excuse.


We are all latent promotees on the road to enlightenment - or not, have it your way.


Hierarchiology = the study of hierarchies?


Governments who cannot produce a balanced budget tax citizens who can???


Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are developed.


When we wait for waiters at a restaurant, does that make us the waiters?


In my new Yoga class, I close my eyes and imagine myself in a relaxing place (like on my couch watching TV and not doing Yoga).


Hospitality: Making our guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.


I'm home everywhere I travel.


Today, I feel slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.


The meek shall inherit the earth... but not until we're done with it.


I'm not young enough to know everything yet.


Labor Movement: The folks who brought us the weekend.


Meandering to a different drummer.


What was that?


Nothing.


Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed.


A synonym is a word you use in place of one you cannot spell.


Mosquito: An insect that really makes you appreciate flies.


Speak softly and wear a cool t-shirt.


I used to contain myself - but I escaped.


A closed mouth gathers no foot.


Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull before.


If something goes without saying, let it.


I've just gone on a 30-day diet. So far, I've lost 15 days!


I'm not 40...I'm 18 with 22 years experience.


Faith is the ability to not panic.


Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.


Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.... the Onomatopoeia of sleep.


If anybody here doesn't know how to dance salsa, let me help you out right now... One word: RUM.


If love was easy, there wouldn't be any music.


I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker; I just really like certain songs.


You've been listening to Rossini's Overture, "La Gazza Ladra," which is Italian for "All My Ex'es live in Texas."


The road to success is the path of most insistance.


Fibber optics: When your eyes deceive you.


Apparently towels are the biggest cause of dry skin.


Poker's like a séance. You sit around a table holding hands, and one person profits from everybody else's losses.


Let's be Frank here. I'll be Zappa and you be Sinatra.


Spend hours reciting jokes to tell friends...Punch up the mess line.


My favorite superhero is still The Ice Cream Man.


Strangers are just friends that haven't ask you to do something for them yet.


Nothing makes a fish bigger than almost being caught.


My dogs are excellent guard dogs as long as the burglars remember to ring the doorbell.


Hallmark should make a card for occasions when you want to say, "I told you so!"


It's never too late to make a bad impression worse.


Honesty is the best policy, as long as other people agree with you.


They finally invented a computer as smart as a person, when it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.


Looking at my laughter lines, and wondering what was so funny?


I am thinking the unthinkable. How is that even POSSIBLE?!?!


America does too support education! They average college professor earns more in a year than most pro athletes earn in a whole week!


I used to wonder what it would be like to read other people's minds...Now that I have Facebook, I'm totally over that.


I've been very good with respect to pastries here in Paris. Today, I bought a cupcake sans the sprinkles.


Some days I feel as if I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, then I realize ... it's my purse.


Driving in Paris is WAY more fun if you just pretend it's Grand Theft Auto!


I can make my phone ring just by taking a bite of my dinner.


I like the diet where you eat anything you want and pray for a miracle.


Local news: Woman avoids car accident by not texting while driving.


I bet tightrope walkers have no trouble passing police sobriety tests.


The trouble with real life is that there's no danger music.


KARMA CAFE - No menus, you get served what you deserve.


Does not surprise me that the people who get abducted by aliens get brought back and dumped back off on Earth.


I blame Disney for making me believe that singing solves everything.


Let's all reflect for a moment on all those poor souls stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride stationary bikes.


Never judge a man until you've driven a mile....with his wife.


My dogs don't like knock-knock jokes.


Travel is very education. I can now say "Kaopectate" in 7 different languages.


Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.


As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in school.


Humpty Dumpty was pushed - I'm just sayin.


Never answer an anonymous letter.


Last night I had a dream that I age a gigantic marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.


Early to bed, early to rise, makes you sleepy in the afternoon.


To achieve the impossible dream, one must first fall asleep.


Is the Ethernet for catching Easter Bunnies?


I once bought a self-help video, "How to Handle Disappointment." When I got it home, the box was empty.


If wer'e not supposed to have pillow fights, then why call them Throw Pillows?


My best relationship advice: Make sure you're the crazy one.


I just read a disclaimer that said, "Don't try this at home" so I tried it at my neighbor's house.


Facebook: Never have so many come together to accomplish so much. 


It's not cellulite, it's the body's way of saying, "I'm sexy.. in Braille. 


If you see someone robbing an Apple store, are you an iWitness? 


I'm going to invent a GPS for car rides with kids that says, "We're not there yet. We're not there yet. We're not there yet." 


My internet went down last night. By which I mean my neighbor's changed their password. 


If it's free, it's advice. If you pay for it, it's counseling. If you can use either one, it's a miracle. 


Sunny today with a slight chance of humor. 


I'm trying to cook dinner here tonight. Recipe calls for 1/4 cup of thyme. That's 15 minutes, right? 


I had so much caffeine this morning that I got half way to work before I realized I forgot my car. 


I'm just like anybody else. I put the words in my mouth one foot at a time. 


Don't underestimate me...unless you're trying to guess my age or weight. 


When I see people on the street talking to themselves, I really want to tell them about Facebook. 


The nice thing about living in a small town is that if I don't know what I'm doing, my neighbor surely does. 


I stop my microwave at 0:01 to feel like I'm a bomb defuser. 


All I ask is to prove that money can't make me happy. 


7 Habits of Highly Ineffective People. 1. Facebook. 2. Facebook. 3. Facebook. 4. Facebook. 5. Facebook. 6. Facebook. 7. Blogging about Facebook. 


When my kids were little and cried for what they wanted, I told them that I didn't negotiate with terrorists. 


Dear Whoever Invented the Number Zero: Thanks for nothing. 


I'm ready to replace Congress with the Jedi Counsel. Who's with me???


I need a Shazam app for people I'm supposed to recognize but can't remember. 


People say that 60 is the new 40...the copy that pulled me over this morning disagreed. 


I used to be afraid of the dark before I got the electricity bill. 


I could retire nicely if I could sell my experience for what it cost me. 


I wonder if the clothes in China say, "Made in the Shop Around the Corner" ???


Deleting one 'ha' from your 'hahahahahahahaha' because you feel like it's just a little too much


I just scrolled so far back on my Facebook Timeline that it logged me back into MySpace. 


I do 5 sit-ups every day. It may not sound like much, but there's only so many times you can hit the snooze button. 


I almost had a heart attack when I saw my Mom's Facebook relationship status switched to COMPLICATED. Apparently, Dad forgot to take out the trash again. 


I minored in law and when I graduated, sued the university and won back my tuition. 


if you step on a corn flake, are you a cereal killer? 


sorry Officer, I thought you wanted to race with me. 


If the left side of the brain controls the right side of the body and visa versa... does this mean that only left-handed people are in their right minds? 


Went to the book store earlier today to buy a "Where's Wally" book. When I got there, I couldn't find the book anywhere. Well payed Wally, well played. 


Why aren't airplanes made out of that same material from which they make black boxes? 


Of course I can keep a secret. It's the people I tell them to who cant. 


Margaritas do not make you fat... they make you lean... against tables, chairs, walls, floors...


My computer might have beaten me at chess, but it's no match for me at kick boxing! 


Installing one-liner...please wait. 


pᴚɐoqʎǝʞ ʎɯ ɥʇıʍ unɟ ƃuıʌɐɥ ɯɐ I

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise" 
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around" 
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Samson: "Hair"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Elijah: "Up, Up and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"


I'm thinking about opening an online Facebook rehab clinic.