The A, B, Cs of Scarcasm

A

AIRPLANE: A giant passenger vehicle whose entire operation will fail unless your seat backs and tray tables are in the upright and locked position.

AIRPORT: If Dante were alive today, airports would be listed as the fifth ring of hell.

ALL RIGHT: What a man insists he is whenever a woman asks how he is feeling.

ANIMATION: A moving picture cartoon, usually featuring wisecracking anthropomorphized animals or sanitized reinterpretations of classic fairy tales. Animation can provide hours of downtime for adults who simply plunk their little ones in front of the television and let it hypnotize them into inactivity while the grown-ups kick back and try not to feel guilty about abdicating all responsibility as parents.

ANNIVERSARY: Try forgetting it, and you’ll see what the hell it means.

ARCHIMEDES: Greek scientist, born 287 BC. One of the main guys responsible for giving the world math. Thanks a lot, you bastard.

B

BAGGAGE CAROUSEL: A whirring contraption on which you keep seeing the same suitcase, which looks like yours but is actually someone else’s, go by thirty times and yet every single time it comes around again, you still think it’s yours for just a second or two. This is a phenomenon brought about by the insane hope that the airline has not lost your luggage.

BARISTA: A person highly skilled in writing your first name in Sharpie on the side of a heat-treated paper cup.

BEAUTIFUL: Something that is pleasing to the eye – such as the sight of the Porsche that has been weaving in and out of lanes for the past ten minutes actually getting pulled over. Yes! Beautiful.

BELIEF: An absolute certainty that something is true. Can range from one’s opinion as to whether there is a God to the firm conviction that space aliens are sending coded messages through your fillings.

BIASED: What pissed-off liberals call people they suspect might have a point.

BLACKBERRY: A device created to satisfy our apparently inbred nature to check something every fifteen damn seconds.

BLINKER: The turn signal on an automobile. It is unclear as to why this accessory was invented, since nobody ever freaking uses it. I suppose this is why the U-turn signal I designed as a teenager was turned down by seven automobile manufactures, only to appear, patented, 15-years later by some lady in Florida whom I think may have dated my ex-husband, the rat that sold me out and told her about my brilliant idea that I just hadn’t gotten around to patenting yet.

BODY: Something women can never let go of if they want to keep their man. Something men can feel free to let go of as long as they make enough money.

BORDER: A line between geographical regions. Often zealously guarded, to prevent the people who want to come over and do the jobs no one else wants to do from getting in.  

C

CAFFEINE: Everything that is right and good with the world contained in one alkaloid compound. Truly, this substance is proof of the existence of God.

CALM: What you are urged to remain around the time the third engine on the aircraft has failed.

CAR ALARM: An antitheft device that only goes off when no one is trying to steal your car.

CAT: A creature for which you continue to provide food and shelter despite the fact that it hates you and wishes you were dead.

CHEESE: Something you add to your sandwich to increase your odds of getting arteriosclerosis.

CHEMICALS: Substances added to American processed food (anything packed with a label) designed to trick the taste buds into thinking that you actually like the sweet, syrupy flavor of liquid cancer and spicy-flavored, stale cardboard. The substances avoided by all employees of the Food and Drug Administration who donated their microwaves to charity back in the 80s, grow their own food, and who eat gluten-free - while holding large amounts of stock options in the pharmaceutical sector.

COMMITMENT: 1. The act of binding oneself to a specific path – usually as regards to a relationship with a romantic partner. 2. Consignment to a mental health facility. 3. There may be little difference between 1 and 2.

CONFUCIOUS: Chinese philosopher born 551 BC. Known for his inspiring and humanistic quotations such as “Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without,” “No matter where you go, there you are,” and “I can’t believe you morons think this crap is profound.”

CYBERSPACE: A place where well-off, thirty-ish, lantern-jawed men of international influence and tremendous sex appeal can post their profile to a dating site even though they are actually morbidly obese fifty-nine-year-old science fiction fans who work on an assembly line processing animal entrails and live in their mother’s basement.